"How does it feel"
8:25 p.m. & 2004-01-10

to be beaten over the head with a crowbar, To be kicked over and over till the world around you fades away, and nothing seems to matter. The day started off bad and ended even worse. i tried. i really did...the diffrence between me and the rest of them was too far. Im nothing. i have nothing to show my efforts..not even state alternate again. out of 5 i placed 4th. Im swelling with tears again. Let this be a lesson to myself. just give up while im ahead. As for other ppl...i give my full congratulations to Andy who made 1st chair Area...and advancing to state. I Love him with all my heart and i thope he knows that. I guess through all the stress and crazynes ive been going through, it really hasnt seemed like ive been much help. I feel bad, cuz i havent been able to talk to him "freely" lately..i mean, i tell him everything, but after certain dreams and yea...i dunno. Sometimes i feel like he could never feel what i feel for him...the way i do. Anyhow..i guess since all of this is over, ill be able to breathe and just look him in the eyes and say sorry for being a major *fill in the blank* even if he doesnt see it, i have...with everyone. But thats besides the point. i felt so bad..cuz i only try to help him..and it kinda only makes things seem worse sometimes...(or just lately) *uhg* i love him so much. hes my everything..hes why im not going completely crazy over here. (it can get worse, believe me) but yea. It was hard to get my "congratulations" out to him after the results came up. He still cant believe it...i can. Ive believed in him this whole time...im so proud of him..even though i was deeply hurt becuz of my results...i tried...i tried soooo hard to put a smile on..i didnt want him to feel bad for me. i had done it enough already. i havent completely gotten over it. im not even close...hopefully it'll be over...but right now...i need to go back into the dark..and be alone, to reflect on my "mistakes".

Saves the Day- nightengale

~*&Vanessa

then || now

Miss Anything?

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New Home - 2004-08-25
rip carter - 2004-08-16