"lockup"
2:22 p.m. & 2004-01-31

since ive been writing for the public for maybe about 2 years..i believe its time to fall back into my hole. Im going to be locking this diary, probably up until i leave after graduation. If you were an avid reader of here...(which i doubt anyone was)you can send me an email newfoundpunker182@hotmail.com and ill set up a password for you, only if i think you deserve it. Sorry...ive been backbuilding so much and i needa let it out somewhere. Its hard for me to do this..because if you know me personally, im not a private typa' person. Unfourtunately...this has to happen. Its time to let go of a lot...im so sorry everyone.....

im ready to graduate and move on, and away. SO much presure to get things done, fianalize this, and wait for that. Its like a hellish nightmare that no one told me growing up would be about. I just mailed off my application fee and transcript to A&M yesterday. Even when it hadnt been mailed off..i was jumping around in complete agony. im just so afraid im not going to get accepted. Its hard..i wanna look on the bright side of things, but after everything thats happened in my life..i find it hard to look on any side of things. Im afraid its going to be another "area tryout" misfortune, or "friend" misfortune, or anything else ive ever wanted to just make me happy, misfortune. Its my deepest regrets that i ever let myself fall into any mess, but hey, its a learning experiance, right?! i sure learned a lot from high school, even middle school. You learn that friends dont exsist...and that people only do things when they want something, and even worse...that the people you've trusted, could only do the one thing that you knew would happen all along...you learn to grow from the inside out and let go of the things your thought were right... I learned so much throughout my life...many things i learned from my parents and friends, and a lot more from experiance. I think things are supposed to be this bad..because i know that someone out there is having the better of things. i spent the most of my better memorys crying about what couldve been, and what shouldnt have been...i never looked up and let myself really be happy. I dont think we need people for ourselves to be happy...i think we think that we need them. One of the biggest lessons ive learned through my fear of being alone, is that i have more friends when i have less friends, and even more so, i cant get hurt if i dont have friends at all. Whether we wanted it to happen or not, friends hurt, and they tend to not know it. Well, i tip my glass to everyone i ever called a friend...because i can garentee that they hurt me at one point or another. I realize now, that i dont need anyone, and that once im gone..i wont have to deal with anything anymore. I'll live the rest of my high school days in a corner waiting for my college letter, letting me know if im in or not. Theres nothing worth wanting anymore...it just has to be this way. im ready to leave...and start over.

...so goodbye and so long...

-Vanessa

this message will be up for a week as of Janurary 31st, to let you all read it and email me if you want to keep reading.

then || now

Miss Anything?

lost in space - 2005-06-12
look what happens when your happy. - 2005-01-29
everydrawing that i drew was never ever true to you - 2004-12-26
New Home - 2004-08-25
rip carter - 2004-08-16