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"tis the season to be grateful."
6:19 p.m. & 2004-03-05
Im sorry everyone. I gave up "recreational time" on the computer for lent, so im going to basically spill everything now...so that you dont worry about me (like you ever did anyways.) Ive had a hell of a time lately, and yes i do feel like sharing my pityful story of woe to people. MY place in life is minimal and i dont mean much to people. I try my best to set an example in which maybe someday people would want to follow. Look at me. I love writing, and still i dont understand anything about anything...or so i thought. TO my amazment i hvae been led on tossed around and hurt too many times already. In the past i talk about people who meant the world to me. People i wanted nothing more then to either help, or just stay in their lives.
Ive lost my best friend. I know that in times like these, so close to the end, your not supposed to do things like this...but, im hurting, hes hurting me, and i refuse to take it any longer. He doesnt care..so why should i. I spent my days understanding the reasons of how it was no ones fault and how things just kinda fell apart. Ive grown to see that all people change and maybe its not always for the best. You really dont know a person till youve been there for them for a rational NUMBER of YEARS.
In a span of a month i have grown, mentally, in ways i didnt think was possible. I understand that people change and that you cant stop it. Ive spent years trying to maintain a constant happy enviroment of a frienship, but alas it couldnt be salvaged. When it mattered the most, i lost him. Too bad i painted the perfect portriat of him as the "perfect" guy and the bestest friend i ever had. Theres no hope. and im not going to push at something he doesnt want. Heres a note to everyone and anyone who is truthfully, really happy.
Cherish want you have, because that kiss, that hug, could be your last. Never say it will last forever, cuz i can promise you that it wont. Forever is a long time to wait, and i always told myself id wait for him forever. Little did i know..that..dreamworld would be over.
I wanna stop myself from crying, from letting my mom know why he hasnt called, or why i fall asleep crying or why i dont eat anymore. Im trying my hardest to not show him, the world, or anyone else just how much i really do miss him, because it doesnt matter. It never mattered and i wanna believe that at some point it might have actually been real. What is love? theres never been a true definition..but im sure that whatever i had for andy...it included a lot of my heart. As for him and his many "logical" reasons for what he did, maybe he was smart to get away from me. Maybe i screwed up his life just as bad as ive screwed up my own life.
I couldnt be sorrier to the people i have hurt, just because of him. I gave a lot just to make him happy...but in turn making him happy always made me happy. I never thought i could live without him, or without talking to him, i still lie awake at night with the phone by my side just hoping for a call, one call that could make it all right. Unfourtunatly, things dont work that way...life for me doesnt go that way. Am i really that bad of a person, i mean come on..if you knew everything i do, not only for him, but for the world around me...would you still hurt me.
Im this giant magnet that attracks the hurt and pain of the world. Sometimes i like to think that when im hurting, at least the balance of life and the world is making someone happy. Life should be that way. I can live in the happier memories i guess. I wonder if he thinks about the happy times. Should i care? Look at all ive done..and look at what hes done??? I dont understand how someone can be this...this...is the word selfish here, cuz i remember being called that SOOO many times.
People told me that he says is that all i do is talk about myself...When he stopped talking on the phone, what was i supposed to do..?? he wasnt talking to me, it was as if he didnt know who i was, or why i was even talking to him, and as much as it always killed me to bring up the same crap over and over again, i just needed ANYthing to spark a conversation with him...i remember telling him about my day, and just hoping that he would tell me about him day in detail like we used to.. Instead, i got nothing.
I began to remeber a lot of significant memories we shared. those days are lost, and im still waiting...because i already tried, and after he said that we'd talk..and then said yes to me...he left.
i hope he's happy.
too bad i still miss him...
-Like Indecision to call you, and hear your voice of treason, will you come home and stop this pain tonight, please stop this pain tonight.-
Blink182- Miss You
I was rumaging through the bandhall and found a dusty old scrapbook of the *Midwest band. I read through all the drum major notes and senior notes and everything just moved me. I felt like...this thing shouldnt be hidden but put somewhere where everyone could see it, and HOPEFULLY see what i saw...a place built for these specific individuals, These very talented people who worked so hard to get that bandhall. We did nothing to get there and we all take advantage of the facilities, i would love to see the people of this band program now appreciate everything they have like i do.
*The Midwest Band placed first in the state and went on to Nationals where they placed 2nd in the whole United States of America. That band was one of the top bands in the world..i just live on their memories...but i wish i had been there for that.
The closing comments could only portray my poor broken heart and something that still wants things to work out. Too bad life doesnt work that way. Remember that roller coaster...gavity stopped it from going up this time around...oh well.
-Vanessa
ps..remember, ive given this up..for a while.
Miss Anything?
lost in space - 2005-06-12
look what happens when your happy. - 2005-01-29
everydrawing that i drew was never ever true to you - 2004-12-26
New Home - 2004-08-25
rip carter - 2004-08-16