"Readings from the past"
4:29 a.m. & 2004-06-03

for the last hour or so...all ive done is read all my past entrys. *eck* its taken a good long while to read a whole years worth of material, but ive done it. I dont know what to say about myself. I dont know how to explain everything that ive been through in the past year. Ive changed so much and yet...i cant see it when i look in the mirror. I know i feel diffrent, i just dont feel normal, like my usual stupid self...not even with little amy. But when i read all this stuff...i realized how much ive changed, and it wasnt just a small change in writing styles. This change changed a whole part of me. Its sad...ive lost a whole "spunk" in writing/typing....instead of talking about my fun day and using stupidity to explain it...all i do now is lie in pain...like some damn wounded animal. Im not some wounded animal...i dont know what i am. Id like to smile, id like to laugh and be merry...hell, id like to have a drink with my friends and party all night...but obviously...thats not gonna happen. None of these things are going to happen. Lately..the void inside me has only grown bigger...its a horrible feeling of lostness. I guess its the only thing that would keep me up this late. I dont know how to explain it to ppl...i dont know how to just "whine" to ppl anymore.

Ive become emtionally mute.

Im afraid of becoming annoying or getting people into trouble through my own problems...this way...it doesnt happen the ways its happened in the past. I know that this will blow over...i just dont know when. I hope everyone is enjoying their summer though...im trying my hardest to enjoy the last few days i have in Laredo, well...im just trying to get by these days.

*haha*

i wish someone could shrink themselves and go inside my head. I wish they could visit my "memory warehouse" and see that there were a coupla' times that i truely was happy...that those smiles were for real. Maybe so they could see what i went through...and where i obviously went wrong..so they could decode my thoughts and figure out what i really meant or didnt mean. I would like to walk through my memory warehouse..i think i led a very strange intresting life where ppl didnt really undetstand me...which is why many ppl should be able to tour the great and famous "Vanessa's Cranium" tickets go on sale for $6-adults, kids 6 and under get in free when you bring in a wig made from pure squirrel hair. Its a fair deal..i have found the internet to be quite boring lately and not much help. Im bored of shockwave games, and email. Im not bored of diaryland, or livejournal, xanga, or diary-x....but theres only so much you can write in them. I think im gonna start researching ghost stories or extra terrestrial life forms, or something of that nature. Everything is just so boring...i remember when i had that in fatuation with Titanic...not the movie, but the actual boat. It was crazy. But now...i dont know..yea, my obbsession is Blink182 and all...but..theres not much that their doing right now....at least last year around this time, i could update about the new cd and stuff...it gave me something to look forward to and stuff...now ive got nothing. i really dont wanna look forward to leaving. Well i do and i dont. i dont know what i want.

ive gone 4 days without soda...and im doing pretty good...well i guess it was easy cuz there wasnt any in the house, but my mom bought a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper to haunt me.. its horrible..i have to turn down a nice frosty cold crisp bubbly Dr.Pepper for a gross plain-o water. *blah*..well i guess its alright.im determined to lose wieght..and i will! im gonna watch some movies then probably go to sleep...hopefully...

laterz gaterz

Saves the Day(cover)- Nightengale (Acoustic)

~*&Vanessa

then || now

Miss Anything?

lost in space - 2005-06-12
look what happens when your happy. - 2005-01-29
everydrawing that i drew was never ever true to you - 2004-12-26
New Home - 2004-08-25
rip carter - 2004-08-16